Excuses not to celebrate MY life.

I feel I have a lot of excuses not to do a lot of things. And yet I still do them because I know they are there for the better of me.

I was raised in a good neighborhood with great parents who had a good income. I wasn’t poor, I didn’t grow up in “the hood” and I went to a great primary school that was in the top 5 schools. I attended the best junior high on the island and the second best high school. All this is to prove I had what some would call an “easy” childhood. This also means that bad news is very odd to me.

I’ve had a lot of bad things happen through out my life that made me question everything. For example, my dad dying, that took a toll on my life.

However, I feel this year has been tougher than all my other years. Let me give you a quick recap of the past 3 years; 10th grade. That’s it. I’ve been in 10th grade for 3 years.

Lat year I decided to really turn my life around and be my absolute best at school. I thought this would make my school life a little easier.

Boy was I wrong.

It ended up to me being shut out for

  1. being smart
  2. not having kids
  3. not drinking
  4. not doing drugs

You could imagine my surprise. I was bullied so bad this year because I apparently thought I was better than all of my classmates. In all reality I really do admire them for trying to get an education, because with all my problems/excuses I still have a world of support from my mother and siblings. Some of my classmates have multiple kids and no parental support and still make it to school most nights. Of course whenever I told them that they thought I was mocking them. So whenever I got highest grade, which was pretty often I was mocked by all of my classmates. And when I didn’t, it was like the last supper, a feast of happiness. A festival of discouragement. They could finally feel better than me. What made it worse was having to reject other students for tutoring classes. I worked, I had a full time job, I did not want to spend my free weekend studying and helping other people. I wanted to do minimal work on weekends.

Eventually I got tired of being belittled for being smart working my ass off. So I fought back with snarky remarks about my classmates skipping school to go drink and “roll a blunt” and what a great role model they were being for their kids. I was quickly shut down for being a “nun”.

Aside from all of that, which I handled fairly well emotionally, the hardest part was dealing with myself. My mother is very intelligent and has a masters degree. My sister is attending University and is about to graduate this October. My brother has graduated, and is very successful in his career. Trying to live up to all of these great titles, it was tough. I felt that I’ve been disappointing everyone. I still feel I am. And that’s when I fell apart.

“Let no feeling of discouragement prey upon you, and in the end you are sure to succeed.”

Abraham Lincoln

I have a friend, Kamilla, she’s a year younger than me, she was knocked down just as often, she graduated and was accepted to Coastal Carolina University. I’m very proud of her. She deserves it all. But then I look at myself and my situation. And I wonder “Have I become one of these “knock you down” people my classmates are?” Only to be knocking myself down. Kamilla has given me some very beautiful advice; “It’s not you, It’s the system of our old school. You are smart. You can do this. I believe in you.” When you hear this from someone you know who has experience the same thing you have, it impacts you. My sister has told me she is proud of me because after all that I’ve been through I haven’t given up. The thing is, as much of a disappointment I feel I am right now, I wouldn’t be able to face my family after dropping out. I hope I am strong enough to continue down this path of attending school. It is said “there is no tool as strong as your education” and I am a firm believer of that.

I have to learn to accept that everyone has a different pace and I know that at this moment mine is a little slow but it is what is working for me. I might be a couple of years late but I’m trying. And I am tired of hearing people say “But you’re already nineteen” yes I am very aware of that. I have been the one in this body for nineteen years. I am tired of hearing people say “But my kid was in your class and they’re almost done studying” Congratulations I hope your child is more open minded than you are. I am tired of being told I am taking too long. I can deal with my classmates and I can handle myself, but I don’t need anyone else judging me for doing what is right.

I think what hurt the most after this whole year was that I’ve worked so hard to get great grades and to be the best of my year. And I still felt as if I wasn’t allowed to celebrate because this was my third year around.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I feel I’m being bullied for doing my best. For proving that I had it in me all this time. And because I didn’t do it according to someone else’s schedule I can’t celebrate my accomplishments and achievements.

This has been a very vulnerable post for me and I hope you guys can try to understand from where I’m coming from.

With all my cards on the table and my heart, Kamla.

Your diet choices.

Hey guys, lately I’ve noticed a bit of a debate whether you should be; Vegan, Vegetarian or straight up Carnivorous. I’m here to help you. I want you to make you’re decision based on what you want for your health. Not because of some trend or because you were pressured into it.

I’m going to start with myself and as we go on we’ll stray away from my knowledge. I’m not going to give up random inaccurate information. I’m doing research and I’m talking to vegans and vegetarians to get correct information. This blog will not include any pictures because I do not want to insult/disgust anyone.

Lets start of with the Meat

There’s a few pro’s for being a meat-eater.

  1. Meat is the best source of protein, which the body needs to function optimally.
  2. Red meat is also a good source of iron, vitamin B, riboflavin, thiamin and niacin. 
  3. Meat is pretty cheap in comparison with fresh veggies and fruits.

But there’s also a few cons.

  1. Meats have high levels of saturated fat and can raise cholesterol, if you’re just eating protein, you’re not getting carbohydrates, which you need for energy, so instead you’re burning fat, you’ll lose water from your muscles and lose muscle mass.
  2. Also, a lot of meats are injected with hormones and other chemicals. “Chlorine and peracetic acid are used to treat chicken at the processing plant.”

I myself am carnivorous, and I have my reasons.

  • I live on an island where you can’t plant shit squat. so veggies are imported which makes them super expensive. treated veggies are already expensive, let alone organic veggies.
  • I don’t do the groceries here, my mom does. She can’t afford the expensive veggies and neither can I, so we use meat to fill up the plate as well.
  • I happen to like meat. I still eat pretty healthy, for example turkey and lean meat, but I still get my veggies in. Frozen veggies that have to be steamed that is. Veggies are veggies right? no.

On to the vegetarians!

Pros of being a vegetarian!

  1. Vegetarians generally have a lower risk of developing high blood pressure, several forms of cancer, heart disease, diabetes and obesity.
  2. The diets are usually lower in fat and higher in fiber causing them to be healthier.
  3. You’re obviously not contributing to slaughtering of animals for consumption.

Cons of being a vegetarian.

  1. A vegetarian diet will result in a quicker weight loss because it tends to be low in calories. this also means you’ll be low on energy.
  2. You’ll get more vitamins, minerals and nutrients, but you probably won’t get enough calcium (from diary) or essential fatty acids (from fish) or folic acid (from grains).
  3. Also noticeably absent from most vegetarian menus: Protein, which protects your immune system and builds muscle mass.

my brother happens to be a vegetarian and he also has his reasons.

  • He generally does not like having toxins in his body, especially when they can be avoided, so he just skips the meat.
  • He’s also just really into vegetables. He’s always enjoyed the wide variety of tastes that come along with vegetables and all of the different ways you can cook them.

As for the Veganism

Pro’s the vegans live by

  1. You aren’t making any animals suffer in any kind of way. I’m sorry I have to be the one to bring it up, but vegetarians still make animals suffer because they still consume dairy and egg products.
  2. The vegetarians reduced their risk to diseases a lot, but vegans have made those numbers dropped a lot more because the milk they consume isn’t treated the way cow milk is. Cow milk has a lot of chemicals in in because it has to be treated with a certain process
  3. Veganism is also about making sure the environment is sustained and as in balance as it should be. With this I am referring to the fact that it takes less plants to feed humans than it does to feed animals. With this we would be saving water and protecting mother earth.

Con’s the vegans deal with

  1. Cutting out dairy may result in lower calcium intake, which may put you at risk for bone fractures. Turn to dark green vegetables like kale and broccoli, as well as calcium-fortified soy products and juices.
  2. The body does not absorb iron from plants as well as it does with iron from animal products. Vegans should eat iron-rich plant foods paired with vitamin C to improve iron absorption.
  3. You may need to take vitamin supplements or find specific vitamin fortified foods to make sure you are getting enough vitamin B-12 and vitamin D.
  4. Omega-3 fatty acids, which are a key component of good health, are found in eggs and fish, so look into taking supplements to receive the nutritional benefits.

As you would imagine I have someone who is a vegan and he happens to be my cousin. Here are his reasons. according to my cousin there are two types of vegans, ethical and environmental vegans. He is both.

  • Environmental vegan means that humans could be fed for a much lower cost compared to animals when eating plants. This means that because there would be a reduction in amount of plants necessary there would be less greenhouses, and less greenhouse gases would be released thus there would be less polluting.
  • Ethical vegans are more concerned about the animals (Non-human animals) and their rights. With that it is meant that since you can’t go around killing other people it should be the same with animals. To give them the same respect you would give a human. Animals just like humans have feelings and it is to create boundaries with them and not to over step these boundaries. It may not seem fair because predators will kill the prey, for example a lion will kill a zebra, but his sole purpose of killing the zebra was so he could survive. Humans are much different. Humans kill so they can consume and for pleasure. That’s where Animal rights come in.

Meal Time!

I want to encourage you guys to try out every diet choice before you actually make a choice! I alone with few more people made a selection and here they are.

So for the meat eaters we have a delicious selection!

Breakfast;

the average Bacon and eggs plate will do. I do advice to consider your type of bacon.

Lunch;

I’ve prepared a heavy dinner so we might want to go a little easy on lunch. How about the classic american Burger?

Dinner;

Might as well go all the way with ribs and macaroni salad

Snack;

you’ve been having meat all day and I haven’t included any veggies, though these are still very important. so here’s a great tuna dip which you can double dip your carrots and cucumbers into!

Don’t worry vegetarians, we got some tasty meals for you as well! (I had my brother pick out his favorite recipes)

Breakfast;

shakshuka will be a nice start to your day, something quick and easy and I know no one will deny that!

Lunch; 

quinoa salad it takes up to 30 minutes to make this salad, which is a little much, but “nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” -Lao Tzu

Dinner;

It’s going to be a little more extravagant this time, you’ll be having the Butternut squash, chickpea and Kale CurryNow this recipe does call for chicken broth but can be substituted with Vegetable broth!

Snack;

Because you would be lacking in protein, I took the liberty of adding a Snack item with some high protein! There are five different recipes so I’m sure one of them has to appeal to you! Once you found the one you like just click on the pink words and you’re off into the high protein galaxy of vegetarians!

Vegans we got you covered! (My cousin made this selection)

Breakfast;

Let’s start of you’re morning with some fruits! this Coconut Strawberry Vegan Yogurt should do the trick!

Lunch;

Lunch is all about powering yourself up before that 3 P.M. coffee crash, and that’s what a good chili will do for you!

Dinner;

Since you had such a heavy lunch you probably want to take it light with dinner, so a good quesadilla will fill you up just enough!

Snack;

You might have a sweet tooth, so the Almond Butter Rice Crisp Treats would be perfect for you! These are bite size and easy for an On-the-go Blog-reader. (hihi)

My point

I don’t want anyone to be pressured into selecting their diet choice. I don’t want to be shamed for eating meat, if I choose to do so. I am an adult and I can make my own decisions. People aren’t always going to agree with you and you have to learn to accept and respect that. I don’t go around forcing people to eat meat because it’s more convenient for me while cooking or when going out to a restaurant. aside from all of the pro’s and con’s, please try to remember that due to health complications some people are obligated to eat or avoid certain things. For example some people can’t make enough enzymes to break down red meat. And some people are low on iron and prefer to have meat instead of olives and vegetables. Whatever your reason, let it be YOUR decision.

With all my love, Kamla!

Let’s clear things up.

Hey guys, I know I haven’t posted when expected. But I’ve been struggling with wording everything.

The problem is that people think I’m a bitch and that I think I’m better than everyone. And in some cases I do think I’m better than certain people. For example people who turn to drugs to solve their problems. Or people who don’t have self respect, I could care less if you respect me or not, but at least have the decency to respect yourself. Also, when intelligent people making stupid decisions.

I never think I’m better than poor people or people of lower intelligence. When I call someone stupid I’m referring to people with an education making dumb decisions and blaming other people when it goes wrong. You can’t help in what financial situation you were born in and I can not hold you responsible for it. You can’t control whether you are employed or not. You can apply at a thousand companies and never get a phone call. I know because I’ve been there. And you most certainly can not help it if you were born with a lower level of intelligence. I’m not a genius. I’ll admit that. I can’t remember anything. But I try, and that’s the difference. When you keep trying and keep moving forward.

As for judging people,  I do judge people. We all do. If you just told yourself you don’t, you lied. But when you use the information to belittle people, you’re probably in the wrong. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in the wrong, I used to be the bully, the bad bitch bully. I’m not proud of it, but I’m honest. I will never hide what has shaped me to be the woman I am today. Of course it wasn’t like I let the bully in me get bigger, but it has thought me to not cross the line. But I will add that I get aggressive when people go racist on me. Just yesterday on the bus a lady told me I had to get up because “locals have a right to sit“. In my aggression I replied “Where the fuck do you think I’m from? Zimbabwe?” I don’t think my reaction was wrong because the bus driver heard her and was ready to kick her out. But I do think I was wrong for calling out Zimbabwe. In the end I remained seated.

I also have this thing where people say I’m too tough and heartless. I’m not, okay I’m detached but not heartless. I just have priorities. Am I going to fail a subject for a funeral? No. Not unless you’re someone I care deeply about. Am I fine with people dying? Yup. Even if you’re my family, it’s part of life. People are so afraid of dying, and I feel that I have given in to it. I am fine with dying. I hope my family goes on without a hitch when I die.

This whole blog is intended for me to clarify things. allow people to understand me for once.  I’ve always shut people out and I want to open up and offer you guys a first hand look at the way I think. It has been a confusing post and I apologize for my lack of politeness.

P.S. My phone is fucking up so I’ll be posting once a week from now on.

Yours truly, Kamla.

The “Oh-So-Charming” guy.

Introducing, the one, the only, Gialdo!

lalo9
Everlasting, infectious smile of Gialdo!

Gialdo happens to be my older brother. He’s 25 and is a website designer, or as e likes to call it user experience or user interface designer. I can never remember those words so I say hes a website designer and if I’m feeling particularly elaborate I will even say application designer. My brother lives and works in London and has done many projects, including taking part in assassin’s creed. I’m not really sure what that game is but whenever I mention it people seem to bow down to me as if I just told them my brother is the king. Before he got his official job title he went to school at Saxion University in Enschede and graduated in 2014.

Nagila and I at Gialdo's graduation.
Nagila and I at Gialdo’s graduation.

He has confessed he feels somewhat guilty of the lack of communication between the two of us. I find this completely absurd because we both work and are both very busy, not forgetting the time difference between the two of us (which is 5 hours). The only difference is, he’s successful in his career and I’m not. I’m very aware my brother loves me and I love him too. He worries a little too much but that just means he cares.

Nothing better than a big sister-sister hug for Gialdo.
Nothing better than a big sister-sister hug for Gialdo.

Now if you’re curious about his personality or his likes and dislikes, you dont have to wait anymore. My brother is very adventurous and travels a lot. He’s been to Canada, Netherlands, Spain, Ireland, Bonaire, Curaçao, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, The States, Colombia, Poland and many more places I can not recall. His likes involve cooking, skateboarding  and photography.

Gialdo Photograpy; sunset in Spain
Gialdo Photograpy; sunset in Spain
lalo6
Gialdo Photography; double exposure.

His dislikes includes the Netherlands, overpaying and tardiness. He even tried to surprise us once by coming home but my sister forgot him at the airport for two hours. Imagine his annoyance.

Gialdo walking home. (I'm kidding)
Gialdo walking home. (I’m kidding)

My brother is so often known as the responsible one out of all of us and that’s pretty understandable. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still silly, loving and caring. But he makes good money, he does what makes him happy and he’s serious about his future. He’s also very helpful and thoughtful. For example I’m going to be doing a project for school and he has agreed to go to Auschwitz with me. I think that’s when you say #Goals. Going to the concentration camp with my brother, having him support me at a place that is so emotionally draining and depressing, putting his own emotional health at risk to help me. That’s what a big brother does. They are there for support. And he’s great at it. Even if he thinks we’re lacking in communication. The great thing about my brother is that he’s not cocky, just confident, and I hope one day I’ll have as much confidence and be able to believe in myself as much as he believes in himself, and me.

The light is as bright as his mind.
“always ready to cheer anyone up” kind of guy.
Always there for his sisters.
Always there for his sisters.
The
The “Oh-So-Charming” gentleman.

So please, if you are in dire need of a website, feel free to contact the intelligent, curious, amazing, outstanding, Gialdo

I love him with all my heart and I miss him dearly.

Hugs and kisses, Kamla.

Meet my one and only.

I’m the youngest of four siblings, two brothers and one sister. This will be the story of Nagila.

kamla nagila 1
Started from the bottom…

My sister and I are very close, and to be honest I don’t think I would still be alive if it wasn’t for her. I went through a pretty depressive and suicidal stage of my life and my sister was the only person who knew. I love her very much but I don’t think she will ever realize how much.

kamla nagila 3
People confuse us for twins sometimes.

I feel after my father passes she took on the role of making sure I was okay, I assumed it would always be my older brother but I now understand that at the time he himself was emotionally unavailable. My sister however was a push over and would put anyone first instead of herself. In most situations I would find that to be one of the most stupid decisions one could make, but now I’m very grateful for her ignorance towards self health.

kamla nagila 5
Very ignorant towards self health.

My sister at some point fell into a dark place as well  and became depressed herself, my biggest concern was always that she wouldn’t always talk to me as openly as I would to her. I felt she would hide things and at one point it all came crashing down. She was always so used to telling my father her problems and she no longer could. I guess I expected her to talk to the person who had been in therapy for all those years (thus me), but now as I look at myself I understand why she didn’t. I’m the type of person that cries after three bits of bad news. Not devastating news, just regular bad news, like if my laces were loose, if I ran out of bus-credit or if I missed an episode of the bachelorette. Anyways,because of this I could only imagine my reaction to my sister telling me she’s lonesome and depressed. I would have probably called in sick for work and spend my day crying on the sofa.

My father hugging my sister
My father hugging my sister

Now, don’t get me wrong, we’re still sisters and we still fight, but its mostly about really serious stuff like me not having money when she wants to do something, or if I did something really wrong and she wants me to tell my mother. As a responsible person would do.

My sister & mother.
My sister & mother.

I think my sister is the one friend I couldn’t bare losing. I cant fail to mention some of her qualities, for example her beauty and smile, her sense of humor and her intelligence. She’s very adventurous and is always willing to try anything. She’s also the type of woman who is confident enough in herself and for this reason does not have the need to go out, find a guy and, forgive my language, fuck them crazy. She is a very responsible, self providing, caring, understanding, funny person. And she’s only 23. I hope to one day be as responsible as my sister and to be as good of a role model to my niece as she was to me.

So please, meet Nagila

kamla nagila 7
The easy going
The adventurous
The adventurous
kamla nagila 9
The beautiful

With lots of love, Kamla.

Creating Kamla.

On November 1st, 1995, I was born. When I was six, my parents got divorced because my father cheated. At the age of 9 I suffered some head trauma after falling off a galloping horse. When I was 10 my father remarried the woman he had cheated with. At the same time my mother was preparing to move to California for school. She was going to attend university and get her master degree. Because of this we had to move in with my father.  His wife wasn’t too fond of us so we actually moved in with my grandmother, who doesn’t seem to like us either. With the move happening, I also had to transfer schools, which made me really upset. It is at this point my father realized I’m super sensitive to everything. Eventually my emotional outburst became too much for him to handle so he transfered me back to my previous school. I finished grade school and went on to junior high. In 7th grade I was molested by a stranger during the carnaval period. Then in 8th grade I failed my year and was transfered to another junior high. During this period my father had consulted my mother about my emotional outbursts and she suggested for me to get a therapist. Starting therapy was difficult and uncomfortable. After a year of testing I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, which was a shock to me since I was always the outcast of the family. I did about 3 years of therapy and can now control my emotions a little more.

image
My extraordinary father

So movin up to november 2011 my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and in december 2012 he passed away. Because of therapy I had been extremely close with my dad so this was heartbreaking.

image
My patient mother, my amazing brother and my hilarious sister.

I’ve always been close with my siblings, but the passing of my father really brought us together. I have never been as open with my siblings as I was after 2012. My sister is the most understanding person I know, she really is my better half and my best friend.

My brother is a genius, and also my role model. There is no one I look up to more than my big brother. He has always been so responsible and caring.

My mother, where do I start? As a toddler I was a mess. I would bite, scratch, pinch, I was the child from hell. So of course at the time my siblings hated me. But my mom never gave up. She’s been my support system even now, as an adult, when I’m overwhelmed she’s the one I call, and though I’ve disappointed her many times, she has always been there for me.

image
My crazy half brother, and a very rude photobomber.

My half brother, though I hate calling him this, is the funniest, silliest, most daring person I know. I hate calling him my half brother because I’ve known him since the day I was born. His mother is great, she’s wonderful and always there when I’m too ashamed to go to my own mother. I love them like blood, because to me that’s exactly what they are.

In 2013 I inherited 14K and blew it out in less than 6 months.This is because I (at the time) had great friends, and we would always go drinking and partying. Eventually we, well I ran out of money, and they didn’t seem to like that I can’t pay for them anymore. After that i failed 10th grade for the second time and had to leave school. I started night school and got a job during the day. It was tough, but it was even tougher to control my money. So now I passed my grade as best of my class and I have a new job. And I’ve set new goals to save money for a car and continue being best of my class for my upcoming year. I hope this year I can learn how to manage my money and I would love for you guys to join me on my journey.

Meet Kamla.

Hi guys, my name is Kamla and I’m a pessimist. I’m 19 and in the process of getting my act together. This blog is intended to help me to be not as negative and to share my experience with you guys. I hope to share the process of managing a full time job alongside night school, the process of being young with money but being responsible with my money at the same time. I also want to share what it is trying to be positive with borderline personality disorder and depression. I hope to post something new every 3 days, but I will have a new post up by tomorrow giving history about my life so you can see in at what point I am in my life.
So please bare with me during this process.

Lots of love, Kamla.

kamla
This is my face!