Fear of being judged.

For sometime now I’ve been wanting to write about certain subjects that would be considered “taboo”, however my fear of being judged by my peers (and my mother) stopped me. But I’m at a point in my life where I only want to do things that make me happy and really benefit me. And that’s been hard. I won’t lie. I’m so used to doing things to please other people and compromising my own happiness for them. And I’m done with all of that.

From now on I will only spend time with the people I really love. People I genuinely care about and who genuinely care about me. I want people in my life that if they were to ask me “how are you?” and I were to answer with “Not okay” they would have the time to talk or listen. I want to show compassion to the people I have in my life now, and I don’t want to continue thinking the world is a cruel place, because it’s not. The people that surround you are the people that make you feel like you belong and you have a home and I want nothing more than to make and to keep Maastricht as my home.

Aside from that dropping out of college has really started an uproar amongst some of the people I care for. My mother understands that at this point in my life, college is not something I can handle emotionally. College makes me so anxious and suicidal and that’s the last thing I need to be dealing with. however she does expect me to go back at some point, and if we’re being completely honest here, I don’t think I will. Which I think in the long run, she’ll be okay with. But for now I’ll just have to deal with it. As for the other people that have questioned my decision or my future plans, I have no answer for you, nor do you deserve an answer. It has been a rather frustrating process to constantly explain to people why I don’t want to be enrolled in college at this point in time. This year, and I don’t mean the remainder of this academic year, but the whole of 2018 and probably whole of 2019 I’d like to focus on my mental health and just being stable. And I just need everyone in my life to accept that. I can’t handle people questioning the one thing I’m so sure about.

People look at me now and all they see is someone who dropped out of college, goes to 5 parties a week and works at a party restaurant. But there’s so much more to me and my life. Everything I do now is with purpose. The way it should be. I think everything through and sure, sometimes even though I’ve thought about it, it might not end up being my best decision, but I’m also only 22 and I’m not supposed to have my shit figured out yet.  I don’t do anything with the intention of causing myself or the people around me harm. I’m just trying to make myself happy. So please, cut me some slack.

Hoping for some benevolence, Kamla.

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