Key to success

Recently I’ve been getting a lot of comments about my schools and how I manage studying while working and going to school late at night. My whole theory is that if you don’t want to do it, you probably won’t achieve it. I’m at a point in my life where I am desperately trying to get off this island and get away from all these bad memories. Though I will never deny this island has a lot of good memories as well. But my bad out weigh my good. I no longer refer to myself as motivated but as desperate. And desperation gets you far in this world. Desperation helps you survive.

My education is one thing I took for granted far too long and it’s time I get my act together and make my family proud. I believe that showing full capability and intelligence is the best thing you could do for yourself. If people wanted to achieve good grades they would make time to study, as I do. I sometimes wear myself out because I study in the early morning around 5AM, on my commute to work, before my shift starts, during lunch, on my commute to school and then when I get home from school as well. It may seem a lot, but It’s probably around 3 hours total. They are very short study periods because I don’t exactly have the time to study all day for hours on ends, but every little bit helps.

I feel there’s a little bit of pressure being best of my class last year for all of my subjects except spanish. I definitely have to be on top of my game, and keeping up with my classes has only been harder this year, as the quantity of exam material has doubled. But once more, that’s an excuse. I know I have the intelligence to pass my classes without any problems so I know I’ll do fine. Actually I’ll do much better than fine, I’ll do a spectacular job.

If people put in as much effort into studying as they do in procrastination, we would have a lot more Master’s degrees in this world. I recently realized there’s a frenzy about studying at the public library, I know because I followed that frenzy. You don’t study, you look at people and over abuse free wifi. But as soon as you invite someone to your house to study all of the sudden they can’t because they aren’t allowed to leave the house. It’s because of this that people are stuck in the same place for so long. When opportunities present themselves they pass them right by. Meanwhile it might be a life changing thing.

Some things have to be set aside when you are trying to reach a goal. And sometimes that means putting the things you love, like your phone, as a backup plan and putting the things you dislike, for example studying, as your first plan. I promise you, one day you will be at the top of your game and you will be so happy with the decisions you made. But this can only be achieved when you are making the right decisions for your future self, not your past self or present self.

Hoping you have a good time, Kamla.

Making changes

Honestly guys, I’m sick and tired of everyone giving me excuses why they won’t do this or that. Whether it’s excuses not to date someone, or not to hang out, not to go to a party, whatever it is, I am done. Until I realised, shit bruh, I’m one of these people. For a while now I made excuses why I shouldn’t work out; “It’s too late”, “I have a busy schedule”, “I already walk to the bus stop, that’s a work out”. But who was I kidding? I hated exercise. I still do. But I’m doing it.

This is how it all started, I woke up one morning angry at myself and went for a run. During this run I contemplated what exactly am I referring to when I say “too busy”? Because I mean I have 3 days off out of my week, I’m free on sunday evening as well. On thursday I start at 8.30 even though I’m already there at 7.30. So we’ve come to the conclusion I have plenty of spare time. Now I will say on days that I work, except Thursday and Sunday, it’s difficult to run, I wake up at 5.45, leave for work at 6.30, get there at 7.30 and start working at 8. After work, which is at 4 PM I have enough time to get from work to a food place and start school at 6 PM. I usually finish school at about 9 or 10 PM and then it’s straight home where I fall into a coma until the next morning.

On days I do run, it’s usually at 6.30 AM except on Sunday, which is usually at 5.30 PM after work. But running in the morning is actually a lot better for me than running in the late afternoon. I haaaate mornings so I take out my frustration on running, pushing myself as much as I can. I only run uphill and I started pretty much immediately with running instead of walking.

My longest distance was 5.1K so far, hopefully we can kick it up a notch over the next few weeks. I will say I never weighed myself before running and will not weigh myself during my process. Mostly because I don’t find a number defines me. My age never did and neither will my weight. When I find I look good and when I’m happy with my weight and food choices is when we’ve hit the goal. That also does not mean that I will stop when I hit that goal. I’ll just keep at it to maintain it.

We’ve discussed my exercise, now let’s talk food. If you know me, you know know I eat something every 0.049 seconds. I’m always snacking, not in a healthy way, and I’m always drinking something. I’ve changed my ways though. I’m still always eating and I’m constantly drinking but different things. I snack on healthier things, like mixed nuts, berries and my colleagues protein bar (Sorry Marco). I’m also drinking a lot of water, but that’s mainly because I work on a farm and you get dehydrated real quick. I’ve also cut out caffeine. A lot of people know me for the quantity of caffeine I take in. I’ll usually take in about 4 cups of coffee a day and an energy drink. So cutting out caffeine gave me some serious withdrawal symptoms. I was emotional, trembling, sweating, stuttering. It was a sight to behold. I think at that point I realised I have a serious problem and going cold turkey is probably not a good idea, I’ve just lessen my intake of  caffeine, I’ve had 3 coffees and 2 energy drinks this week which is a big difference compared to 28 cups of coffee a week and 7 energy drinks as well. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, I’ll have cheat days, or cheat meals. During the week. I mean hey, this girl loves to snack, But I’ll try my hardest not to.

I guess all I’m trying to say is I’m done with excuses, especially my own.

Wishful thinking is overrated, wishful actions from Kamla.

Comfort zone

I think I’ve grown accustomed to my comfort zone, as any depressed pessimist would. I’ve accepted the fact that I will never be happy in life and that’s okay. That everyone will leave one day and I will be remembered by nobody except for that hollow space on my mattress that has grown cold. I hope to at least have made an impact on someone and that on a cold breezy morning they will think of me as they ride the bus to their destination. But I doubt that’s going to happen and I’m only setting myself up for disappointment. I feel that one day all memories that we have tried so hard to create and frame will be gone. And no one will ever know about that time I found out I had a tumor, or that time my therapist told me that my father considers me his best friend, or even that time I stayed back a year in highschool. One day everyone you would have known in your life will be dead, and there is no one to say “I had a friend who..” or “My aunt used to..” Even if I had kids, there will come a moment that I will be forgotten. And everyone would have moved on and are completely fine with the fact that the person that helped give them life, is now dead.

I feel my comfort zone has kept me away from meeting new friends. I meet new people everyday, I’m a tour guide after all, but it’s scary making new friends. I just made a new friend and this terrifies me. This new person has intimate details about my life. And I have zero control over this. What is he thinking? What will he do with this information? Is he judging me? Of course he is. We are human beings designed to judge people without us ever even knowing it. I’ve always been a fuck up and that’s okay. My old friends were there when I fucked up so it seemed less horrible at the time. But now I’m suddenly typing down every time I fucked up and every time someone fucked me over for this complete stranger to read and acknowledge. And I can grasp the situation, that I shouldn’t reveal all these things but my execution is lacking and riveting and now we’re at a point where he feels bad for me, and I feel bad for myself.

Is this the person I’ve become? The one that doesn’t know how to open up like a civilized human being, and even if she did, couldn’t be capable of such a taboo thing. I hope that one day I can be vulnerable to this person, or to anyone worth being vulnerable to, actually. That one day I can bring these walls down and let people in. I feel my comfort zone has also kept me from doing things that really bother me, I’m just kidding we’re still stuck at me letting people in.

During these past few years I’ve grown a fascination for Hitler and Stalin. Not that I’m gonna go around wiping out complete nations and religions, but because they were so misunderstood. This is leading to nothing good. In any case all I wanted to refer to was my defensive walls being very much like what the Berlin wall was, on one side it’s very open and emotional meanwhile on the other side it’s the place you would go to if you wanted to be shot at short range by a 9 men firing squad without a bag on your head for expressing emotions. And if we’re being honest here, everyone was and still is afraid of the Red nation as is both sides of my Berlin wall. It may have taken them 28 years to bring down the berlin wall, but is this equation of life equal to whatever I am feeling and dealing with? Will I know how to act responsibly and maturely for the first time when I am 30? I guess this is word vomit.

All these questions were simply a product of a friendship and I hope to one day be able to answer them and understand them in a way that is truly meaningful and life changing. And I hope to have made myself a little more vulnerable to this new friend as he reads this. (If he ever does.)

Kind words and neverending thoughts, Kamla.

Anxiety sucks

As I’ve mentioned before, 3 types of bad news will destroy me. It does make a difference whether it’s 3 minimal bad news or 3 extensive and impactful bad news. This week it was 1 impactful bad news, 1 minimal and 1 big change. I can’t talk about the big bad bear but the baby cub is okay. problem number two was with my sister. I turned a little belligerent arguing about problem number one. The last time that happened was when my sister lost her virginity, but we’re not gonna go into that. Me and my sister don’t fight, it’s just not programmed in us. But we fought, and it was bad. I ended up crying and being a bigger bitch than I already am.

Aside from that there has been one big change in my life, people want to be my friend, and it gives me anxiety. I hate physical contact and eye contact. Physical contact has been a problem ever since I was molested. It’s just bothered me, even more so because I have no idea who this person is and I will never know if he’s the person walking towards me or the person who hands me a flyer. Not knowing this person gives him some sort of power over me I can never escape from. I wish I could say more about this experience but it all went by so quickly and I couldn’t even react. I just stood there being felt up and forcibly feeling him. Never screamed, never pulled away, I just stood there with tears streaming down my face and my head lowered in shame.

My problem with eye contact is that people see you at your most vulnerable. It makes me tense up and stop breathing and it’s just a shitty combination of feelings. I feel that looking into someone’s eyes, you’re handing yourself over completely them, to do as they please, whether it benefits you or not. So I just don’t do it. All though recently I have been in situations where I’m forced to make eye contact with people whom I find intimidating. This causes immediate anxiety attacks and a full bathroom melt down.

Lately I have noticed that my anxiety has escalated more than twice in the last few weeks than what it’s been for the past year. It just causes that I can no longer breath, focus or even stand on my own. Having anxiety has always been something I’ve dealt with and refuse to take medication for. I have been to therapy and was diagnosed with a few things, anxiety being a side effect of a life long personality disorder I will have to battle. During those 7 years I had about 2 psychologist, 3 social workers and multiple cognitive neuroscientists do research on me and try to pinpoint the problem. Much like a very well known “Christian Grey” who refers to himself as “fifty shades of fucked up” I believe the same for myself. I am was the type of person that will beat themselves into the ground until I can no longer breath and I suffocate. I’m at a point where I am trying my very best to change and acknowledge the great things I have achieved and the greater things yet to come.

Keeping it together everyday, Kamla.