I’ve been out.

I’ve been off my blog game for a while, in case you were blind, deaf and mute and couldn’t notice. But yes, I’ve been absent.

I feel like my life is some what falling apart. I’m a high stress person with a full time job, doing my exam year with maximum motivation before passing out and trying to keep up with a social life.

Let’s first start off with my job. Yes, I am a butterfly farmer. Yes, my job is high stress. No, I don’t spend my day fucking frolicking with the butterflies. My job includes walking in the sun all day, not getting to sit down, smiling all day, and best of all cleaning a large quantity of fecal matter. Better known as “frass” when it comes down to caterpillars. I’m not complaining about my job, its fun. Everyday you teach a complete stranger something new, something they had limited to no idea about. And even better, every day we get challenged with new questions and new information. My only problem is that recently this god damn island has been experiencing what I can only describe as “satans asshole” hot temperatures. Hotter than what we are used to. Hotter than most of us can handle. The breeze on the island has gone to shit. There is no breeze. Not inside the garden, not by the beach, nothing. No breeze. I can do heat if there’s breeze, but there’s heat and no breeze. So yes, at the end of my day I am worn out. I am damn tired. And most days I have to really fight myself from skipping school and going home and taking a shower and going to bed. I still go to school every day.

Which brings us to our next point; Exam year. My exam year has started off pretty well. I have dutch, english, spanish, history, geography and economics. 60% of my exams have gone fairly well. But that 40% is what bothers me. I think out of all my friends I’m legit the only one who is still motivated to do something. I have to get off this island. I just need to finish this year. I need to get out. School is hard. Evening school school at least. Its all shit you have to take care of yourself. You have to read the material at home. You have to make the questions at home. And you have to make up your questions at home. When you finally do get to school, you ask your questions, get your new assignments and you’re out. 1, 2, 3. Just like that.

So a long with work and school it’s a pretty busy schedule. But somehow I still have to manage to find time for a social life. My best friend is very patient with me. I’m usually very last minute with going out and even so I might still cancel because I would rather take a nap instead of going out. The funny thing is, we hang out and do things that are so chill that I feel like I’m well rested after we’re done. We recently hung out when we had our “friendiversary” (bare with me) and we just went to the beach, had drinks, pizza and talked. And it was so chill and low key but so honest and fun. We’ll also occasionally go out and actually party which is also fun because we arent heavy drinkers but we are a funny pair, so it’s just a good night. As for the rest of the people, I mean, my former best friend is a drug addict who has her life in a downward spiral so I decided to cut her off because I was just tired of paying everything for her and she was never even grateful for it. And everyone else, well they know where to find me, but if they don’t make an effort, I won’t. I’ve made an effort for so long, being there for everyone, making everyone else feel better, and I’m done. I’m tired of it. I need to take care of myself. And that’s the funny part.

Taking care of myself has not at all been going well. I’ve stopped eating for the most part. When I do eat, it’s such a small amount. Usually I’ll buy one meal a day and because I eat so little, it will last me all day. I have breakfast for lunch and dinner. I’ve lost a lot of weight just not eating. And people are starting to notice, which can’t be good because questions are rising and I don’t know how to explain “I don’t eat” and make it sound okay. Because it’s not okay, I know that, It’s not okay. But that’s all I got for right now.

My sleeping schedule has gone to shit, and you’re probably thinking “that’s every teenager and young adult”, however, thats not me. I used to make sure I sleep a solid 8 hours a night, and I would make sure that during the day I’ll take a 2 to 4 hour nap. But now I go to bed at 9 and I’ll lay there and cry. I’ll cry till 12 or sometimes even 1. And in the middle of the night I’ll wake up because I have nightmares and I’m having a panic attack and I can’t sleep and I’ll cry again. If i get 4 hours of sleep I’m lucky. During the day I can’t nap anymore, because I’m afraid of my nightmares. They’re so vivid. So I went to the doctor, and got prescribed a sleeping pill, however I’m terrified to take them because they’re heavily addictive. Most nights I just hope I sleep through the night, even if it’s for 5 hours. Other nights I hope to fall asleep fast after my panic attacks.

I’ve cracked. I broke. I crumbled. I sometimes hope I go to bed and never wake up. Ok, I very often hope that happens. And that’s also not okay, but I have nothing else. I just want to be honest, even if no one reads this. I am suicidal, I’ve been this way for a long time, But I have a sister I love more than words could ever explain, and I have a best friend I hope will someday fall in love with me even though it’s not likely to happen. But that’s all I have to fight for. I joke about killing myself because I don’t know how else to cope. If I don’t I feel like I’ll explode. My best friend is very good at listening, and though he doesn’t agree or encourage me to hurt myself, he’s there for me. And he tries to get me to tell my sister, or my mother or even my doctor, but I’m still a Muller and we’re known for being hard headed people.

I don’t know if it gets better, I really don’t. And if it doesn’t, that’s okay, even if it’s technically not. But I’m just hoping it doesn’t get worst. Because I can’t handle any more stress, bad news, disappointment or broken hearts.

 

So I’m gonna go ahead and call it a night.

-Kamla.