Grieving birthday.

I just celebrated my 23rd birthday, and as nice as it was to have all my siblings back around after 11, there was still a dark cloud hanging above my head.

I’m so used to the idea that if the 4 of us are together, there’s usually also a 5th member involved; my dad.

But this year, that wasn’t the case.

I’ve been missing my dad more than I’d like to admit these past couple of months.

I don’t cry. Theres no point in crying for someone who has been gone for 6 years. He’s just not coming back.

I just wish there was a way for me to talk to him. Like I did when I could go to his grave. But every time I think about his grave, I can feel my heart shatter. I know I’m 23 and I’m supposed to have gotten over this by now. Or atleast be more okay with it. Everyone thinks I’m okay, but I’m so afraid people will think I’m weak if I keep crying about it, so instead I just roll a joint and go numb.

I know that’s the worse thing you can do to cope, but fuck…

I feel physically sick because I miss him so much. But there’s nothing I can do. And to be honest with you, that’s the worst part: not being able to do anything about how much I miss him. Time doesn’t heal grief, grief lingers and grief turns to constant mourning. I drag myself around because “that’s what my dad would want” but he’s dead and that’s something I’ll never actually know.

I love my siblings, and they made this birthday so special for me.

But I just need my dad right now. That’s all.