Sometimes in life you are dealt a bad hand, and you have absolutely no say in what’s about to happen. The world is pulled out from under your feet and you spend years trying to figure out what the fuck happened. How the fuck were you so blind sided? What could you have done to prevent it? How is it even possible to feel this much pain? You feel yourself crying on the inside, and that air bubble is pushing to come up in the back of your throat. You look around and nobody knows what’s going on. No one to hold you up when you’re literally falling into the depth of nothing. You crawl into bed and you realised you’re alone but you’re out of tears. You just feel tired, almost dead. You go numb.
This is by far the worst feeling I have ever experienced, and unfortunately it’s one I experience more often than I would like. I’m the type of person that would give anything to anyone. I love taking care of people because I don’t want anyone to deal with the hardships I’ve encountered in my life.
However one thing I do not appreciate is when I give someone everything I have only for them to stab me in the back over the course of a year. I mean, if you feel like ruining friendships at least make it as quick as possible so everyone can go on with their day. Instead I let someone into my home & my heart, all for them to constantly pick at me, slowly break me down and then be surprised when I fought back. This person put a knife in my back and continued to twist it and turn it all whilst still hugging me. Just to get easier access to her knife.
You can try to hurt me, but I’ve seen and felt things you could not imagine, so it’s probably best for you to be prepared for the worst when I do make a comeback. I’m a very simple person, I don’t care what you do, as long as your actions back up your words. But I bet she wasn’t prepared to see me get up without a hitch. She didn’t expect me to do anything, because I always forgive her. I always put up with her shit and it takes so much work and effort to push me past this point. The point where I can’t even recognise you as a human, let alone a friend.
She can say whatever she wants, she can continue lying for as long as she wants, but at the end of the day everyone, including her, knows the truth and how bad she fucked up.
This year I’ve decided to love myself. This world will not be taken from me. I will not fall. I will not crumble. I feel stronger than ever. I’m more relaxed, relieved and happy. I’ve realised how much I really love my sister and I’m forever grateful for everything else I’ve found in this time. I’ve created better bonds with people who do care, people I care about.
This is the year to take care of me.
Take Care, Kamla.