Death

I’ve known for a very long time that I am okay with dying. I felt comfort in knowing that one day I will be dead and all my troubles have faded. I’ve also known that I am as a matter of fact not okay with anyone close to me dying. It’s not them that have to deal with the fact that I’ve lost them. It’s me. Dead people don’t exactly grief as well as the living do.

This morning I realized, my mother is probably very okay with dying. I am not okay with her dying though. My mother is a smoker, and for a few months now we’ve been arguing about me wanting her to stop and her accepting that she will always be a smoker. I tried to convince myself it’s probably because second hand smoking is worse than putting the cigarette between your own two lips. But the truth is, I don’t think I could deal with another passing of a parent.

My dad died from cancer and to me that seemed like a big enough wake up call to stop doing things that are bad for you. At the same time it also meant “enjoy your life”. My dad would always say “If I knew I was going to die this way, I would have continued to enjoy my Bacardi”. That doesn’t mean I’m going to pick up the bottle and drive myself to drink, but I am most definitely going to enjoy myself.

I think my mom feels the same, she wants to enjoy herself, and the cigarettes make her happy. But I just couldn’t bare the pain of losing the one who is most supportive of me. I feel that because of this we have grown apart and I will never be able to fully accept her for her, even though she is a beautiful, caring, loving mother with just one small flaw. I’m pretty sure my mother has concerns of things I do and whether they are damaging to my health or not. But I don’t think she feels a need to comment about it since we are all adults here.

I sometimes wonder how my siblings feel about this or even think about it. I know that because of her smoking, and my father’s previous smoking, none of us smoke now because we know the damaging effect it has on us and the consequences it brings to those around us. With that being said, I will never allow myself to smoke because I will never want anyone to feel this way about me.

Completely alive and breathing, Kamla.

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Boys, BIG QUESTION MARK

Boys are the one thing I seem to be REALLY bad at. I am not at all shy talking to people who I am not emotionally attracted to, but if I am, I can’t form words, or look at them. It’s really sad because I know these guys, we were friends at one point in life, we are still acquaintances but I can’t interact with them. I feel like people know me as the social person but boys are a completely different story. I do have a type, I’m more into white guys, but hey let’s not be racist, I won’t shut you down because you’re not white. Appearances aren’t that important to me anyways (You can probably tell by the way I dress.) I tend to date guys who are funny, sarcastic and somewhat quiet. If you’re not an intellectual or you don’t have life goals, lose my number. I’m an at home date kind of girl, or good food, good ambiance kinda girl. But to actually get a date, we’ve gotta discuss my problem areas.

Eye contact.

What exactly are you looking at when you’re staring at me? Most of the time I’m looking at my tan line from my watch. And when I look at them I see perfection with soft eyes and a charming smile and I imagine all they can see is my unevenly curled eyelashes. Eye contact is the most intimidating vulnerable thing you can do. You are giving yourself fully over to that person.

Conversations.

What do I say? Okay in person, all I do is smile and look around because I don’t know what to say. And online, it’s such a complicated thing. They say something about computers or gaming or music and then I’m like “Okay Kamla, you are interested, what makes you seem interested? OH ask him a question! But wait, it’s already so clear, he just explained everything.. What should I ask now?” actual reply: “So what’s your favorite ice cream?” It seems as if I just ignored everything they just told me. And starting a conversation is hard. what does one even say? “Hey I’m Kamla and I’m socially awkward, how are you?” And how do you even manage to sound flirty or cute over text?

Snapchat.

This is one thing I have completely given up on. I refuse to make myself beautiful for a picture you will see for only 10 seconds. AND I HAVE YET TO THINK OF A CLEVER LINE TO WRITE DOWN. Oh my god and then it comes down to the stupid “send me a video” request. What am I supposed to even do? “Cooking fake food for a snap vid” I don’t understand.

The hang-out request.

“what are you doing tonight?” “nothing, you?” “nothing”

WHAT IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN? CAN SOMEONE CLARIFY THIS? AM I SUPPOSED TO ASK YOU TO HANG OUT? I ASSUMED YOU’RE ASKING ME BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO ASK ME TO HANG OUT BUT YOU NEVER DOAnd then one day I build up the courage and I’m like “Do you wanna go get some food?” and all of the sudden “I can’t tonight” .. I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS, GUYS. REALLY. I was just told by the same person, being you, that you do not have any prior engagements for tonight. Let me clarify that the only reason I asked you to go get nutrients is because you previously, a few seconds before I asked you, asked me what I was doing tonight. And the worst part is, that you texted me first.

The date invitation.

“I really like you. We should go out sometime” “Yeah, sure” Did you really just postpone a date you never asked me out on? OR EVEN BETTER THE SNEAK DATE! It happens when a guy asks you to hang out but never says it’s a date, and then when you’re ready to pay for something they throw it out there “Why are you paying on our date? I’ll pay for you” Uhm what? or at the end of the night and they say “I had a good time on our date” but then you’re a bitch if you say it wasn’t a date, but if you don’t he might ask you out again.. I pretty recently got the “I’ve been around for a few months, but couldn’t build up the courage to ask you out, do you want to before I leave?” I took it into consideration, I won’t lie, I was like “When are you leaving?” expecting him to answer in a month or something, instead he says “in five days” Uhm no just pick up and leave.

The actual date

HAAAAAA-no. I don’t date because if I’m aware it’s a date I won’t look at you at all, touch you or even talk to you. I’ll sit there and giggle the whole time even if you didn’t say anything to me. I once went on a date where he had to grab my face and kiss it so I could realize I’m on a date. Even then I reacted surprised that he had actually asked me out. Not forgetting to mention that I get so nervous that I actually fall or trip pretty often. On that same date I tripped over NOTHING on the beach and face planted. He still kissed me so winner winner chicken dinner.

Long distance.. Is BULLSHIT.

I’ve tried it. I can’t. Nothing has been more difficult than long distance. You crave that person, being there with them, talking face to face. It’s nothing like you don’t feel committed, or at least for me it wasn’t that. I felt very committed, so committed that I constantly missed that person. It’s actually really funny because I had never met that person before, I would imagine it’s much harder with someone you’ve actually spent a lot of time with. But having an emotional connection with someone, sharing things in common, having the same goals in life, and somehow you slowly develop feelings for that person. And at one point we were just together. After a while it does become very hard, especially with the time difference we had of over 6+ hours. No, it wasn’t that. It was me fucking up my education, taking longer to finish. That’s what made things harder. He was waiting for me. And I stayed back a year, and then another year, and here I am now doing that same grade for the 4th time. Because we fit so well together, being just friends was a lot harder, so we hardly talk anymore. But the day I make it to the Netherlands I will for sure hit him up. And for the people who are doing long distance, please tell me your address because I have to send you an award.

So after all of that, we’ve figured out I can’t communicate with boys, reply properly, behave on dates, or maintain a long distance relationship.

I would say I’m a pretty good girlfriend if we ever make it that far, I actually cook and give you space, and you don’t have to worry about me cheating because I’ll never leave my house unless I’m coming over to yours. I don’t really need presents, just food.

Forever dateless, Kamla.

Being associated with someone.

It’s very often that people associate me with one person; my ex. (Not to be mentioned by name) I think know a lot of people think we ended on bad terms. We didn’t. It was a mutual mature decision. I feel we were at different points in our lives, and have grown apart romantically. What we had, I will never deny, was very special to me. I went through a lot while we were together and he was there for me. I actually feel that because so much has happened between us, I would never be able to fully move on, stop loving him or forget him. The whole duration of the relationship is a big confusion. We were on and off for about four years. Never off for really long. A lot of people say it was a messed up relationship but I like the way it was, we had our own space, we didn’t have to spend every waking second breathing down each others neck and we had our own friends. Even our dates were ideal for me. Home, on the sofa, food, movies. It didn’t require us to leave the house and he knew at the time I had a lot of social anxiety and leaving the house was the worst possible thing we could do. I liked his parents, even though they weren’t all that fond of me. My mom hated him, but she hates everyone. And my dad was a huge fan. My dad really did love him. I don’t mind being associated with him, but sometimes it does get a little frustrating, even before we split up. We are two individuals. We might have been a couple, but that’s it, a couple, consisting of two separate people. We had different interests and hobbies and we actually didn’t have a lot in common and that’s what made it work for us. People would always tease us because we didn’t have anything in common except for the fact that we liked to eat. In all honesty, I’m the type of girl that would hate being married, and I know I was young, but I could really see it happening with this guy. We did talk about it and decided together that it’s too soon for this conversation and we dropped it, but I never forgot. I think for me he was just enough. I could only handle a small dosage of smothering. And he understood that. It’s funny because now, a year later, I’m starting to understand him, because he would never say anything. I would always get mad at him because he had such a pokerface and I could never figure out what he’s thinking or feeling. And trust me, he wouldn’t bring it up either. I’ve only seen him cry twice, and he’s seen me cry multiple times, I’m one of those people who can’t hold it in. But I felt comfortable with him. I mean, he actually sat there holding a glass of water for me when I was sick and throwing up. He let me drool on his arm because I fell asleep and he didn’t want to wake me. He didn’t get mad when I woke him up to fart in his presence for the first time. We had some ups and downs but what relationship wouldn’t? I’m not going to deny that I’m over him. I’m not going to deny that we don’t talk. I still text him sometimes when I’m angry about the fact that we let it slip away. I hope to one day understand and accept that he has moved on to a new chapter in life. We both hurt each other during the relationship but whenever he was hurt, he would always punch a wall. It was the most annoying thing ever because I was always worried so I would rush over to his house, only to find him completely fine having a bowl of cereal. He wasn’t the type to really rush over, he was more logical and would just call me. Most people were really curious to what had been going on between us that we were so on and off, and the answer is simple, I have hormones and I hate them. Right now we’re “friends” though who are we kidding, we’re going down different paths and we are slowly drifting away. I’m happy it’s at least happening this way, slowly, so I can try to accept it. I don’t know how he feels about me or the situation, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t bother himself with these kind of things. That’s the way he’s always been, but I’m just a little more emotional, that’s all.

Yours truly, Kamla.

Admitting your faults.

This month I patched up an old friendship. We were the type of friends that would always stop talking for no reason and then resume the friendship like nothing ever happened. We were also the type of friends that would also always have a really good time, whether it was at home, at school, at the hotel, we just knew how to get a party going. At some point during the friendship we took different paths, I chose school and she chose the party life. We were doing okay during that period, but we weren’t as close as we used to be. Some how, rumors got to us and sadly enough we believed them. We let them ruin the friendship and boy was I going for blood. I took to twitter, being very immature and very pissed off. I insulted as if it was my intention to let everyone know I am the reincarnation of satan. After insulting her, I went after her friends. I was going to take everyone down with me. After a few months I let it go, but I couldn’t get over losing that friendship. She was the only person that really understood my ways. After exactly a year, one night in june, I decided to message her and apologize. I waited a few hours, a few days, a few weeks, and no answer. I had accepted that that was the end. No more friendship. Then all of the sudden in August I get a message back. I’m filled with anxiety and excitement. I buckle over in bed and climb my way out, running into my sister’s room and we read it together. Together me and my sister wrote a reply. We said we would hang out one day, but I didn’t want it to turn into one of those summer sayings “we should hang” -never talks again-, you know? So I called her that night, me, my sister and a few other friends were gonna go have drinks at the beach, but she was already busy. So we made plans to sit down and talk for the next sunday. While driving I was extremely nervous. I managed to park (which never happens) and made my way to our meeting area. We talked at first about silly things and where we are at now. Afterwards we went to the park and got down to details. What was said between us is very private and none of you guys’ business. It was settled and we moved forward. After that school started, and we are now attending the same school and hang almost everyday while at the same time we are working on our friendships. We always had a deep connection so she went with me to my tattoo appointment. We also like to go out and eat, or stay in and eat. We just really like to eat. We are starting a few new adventures and because I have become an old grandmother she is being very patient and delicate with me. Which I appreciate. We went to ladies night and I got so wasted so she bought me fries. She later watched me smack every fry into my face as I tried to discover where my mouth is located on my face. All in all I’m glad I finally grew up and handled my shit the adult way. I’m also very thankful that she has forgiven me after I basically performed a Pentagram ritual in her name. I guess the moral of this story is, Don’t be a shit.

Trying to be less shitty, Kamla.