Working g’all

I happen to be a tour guide at a farm, more specifically a butterfly farm on my island. My job is unconventional but it’s gr8. (I love doing that “gr8” thing) My job is also really tough. I work 8 hours and out of those 8 hours I’m standing for at least 6 hours. I don’t just give tours though. Our official title is “tour guide“, but our job description includes; tours, gardening, sales, and a whole lot more.

I have about 14 co-workers but I’m closest with Marco. I think Marco and I struggle with a lot of things, but none of the same problems.We lead very different lives, even his life at 20 was very different from mine, he’s older now, I’m not sure how old though. He’s married with kids, and I’m married to my education.  As for my other co-workers, I appreciate their presence and teamwork (most of the times).

On a regular day I show up at 8 AM, I rake the garden, I rake up front, I’ll do between 4 to 6 tours, I’ll feed the caterpillars I was assigned to, do some chores and then I’ll be on my way at 4 PM.

I think the funniest moment at work was when I got my shoe caught up on a door and it ripped my shoe open, and I tripped, falling flat on my face on the ground.

I think a bad day at work was when I had two friends hurting because of a passing of a loved one, and I couldn’t do anything to help them, and for a few days I was already crying about it, and I tried to keep it together at work, but eventually got sent home for not being happy enough.

My job has a few specific requirements. First of all, languages are very important. If you’re not multilingual, FORGET ABOUT IT. You also have to be very happy and cheerful, all of which I’m not, if you guys couldn’t tell already. But a tour is a performance, and I’m only acting. I’m acting as if my life is wonderful, and I don’t have any problems, and that I’m oh-so excited to tell them about the butterflies. Don’t get me wrong, they are fascinating animals with amazing quirks, but I’m just not excited to explain the same process to the same person about 4 times. My job also requires us to be very physically active. Which I am also not. I hate working out. But I hate office jobs even more, so I tend to help out with heavy lifting jobs that the other girls, and some guys, can’t do.

I think my attitude is a little more out there than the rest of my co-workers. I tend to answer back, and be a little more bossy than I probably am allowed to be. But I like getting shit done, it’s always been my way, and there is no highway option.

Keepin’ it onehunnet, Kamla.

Advertisements

Walls

I’ve built walls to keep people out, and I’ve had them up for a very long time. And then someone special came into my life and I let them down and I let this person in, and I became vulnerable and I fell to crumbs in his hands. And he didn’t drop me, I was just jolted with a dose of reality. And now I’m left in my mess, to deal with myself.

Someone special turned out to be someone who woke me up. Woke me up from the morphine overdose I put myself in. And now I have to deal with all of these feelings and emotions and it’s pulling me under. I hate how I’m sitting here, telling him everything is fine and I actually hate myself for all of this. I just wish I could be a better person, a stronger person.

I have a friend, Naomi, and she doesn’t take shit from anyone, if you just think of hurting her she cuts you off before you even get a chance, and I keep getting hurt and I keep crawling back and I hate myself for it.

They say darkness exist to make light truly count. But I feel like everything is a dark hole and I will never see light. This is why I never feel worthy of anyone, this person is not at all bothered, that should be a sign for me to get out, but this person has burrowed himself in the deep crevices of my heart and I can’t get him out.

I am swallowed by my own tears, mostly because I’m so disappointed with myself. I let my walls down, and not only did I let someone in, but I let myself out. And trust me, I don’t mean to make this person seem like a bad guy, he’s been good, he’s always been good, I’m just not deserving of good.

Fighting for my life, Kamla.

Deep dark hole

I think my relationship with my mother has deteriorated to almost nothing. And to be honest I’m not as bothered by it as I was before. I think the problem is that my mother and I are very stubborn people, therefore we clash a lot. What bothered me more though is that my siblings couldn’t seem to understand what was wrong. I could go 3 weeks without saying a thing to my mother and it would never even trigger a feeling of sadness in me. But a day without a message from my sister would kill me.

My mother is the spiritual type who always refers to the universe as creator of all solutions but blames everyone else for their own problems. I however, am someone that feels that everything you do has a consequence and it’s actually up to you to fix it. I refuse to set an intention hoping that one day the universe will magically give me the numbers to the winning lottery ticket. My mother is also the type of person that eventho she cares a lot, will never really take you into consideration if it’s not to her full benefit. And because of my busy work/school schedule, this means we do very little together.

I think my mother doesn’t mind spending time with me but she also doesn’t mind not spending time with me. For me, spending time with my mother is something I dread. It’s going to result in an evening of doing what she wants, so probably drinking wine at a place for older people that plays latin music, while she smokes a pack of cigarettes and gets offended with everything I say. Even though all I was trying to tell her was about my week. But of course, everything that went wrong during my week is my own fault and I should ask the universe for some guidance. Not spending time with my mother gives me a feeling of relaxation, I’m suddenly not walking on eggshells and I can do whatever it is I need to do.

I think something that has also contributed to this feeling of emptiness is the depression I’ve fallen so seamlessly back into. I’m in a dark place right now, and very demotivated with everything I do. I’m still doing my best, not because I want to, not because I want to make people proud, but because I know no other way of functioning, though I barely am. I lock myself up in my room, into my safe place and stow away all of these overbearing emotions that I can no longer control.

I wish I could have been more okay, and I try to tell myself that not everyone is okay all the time. But I’m feeling as if I will never be okay. As if this relationship with not only my mother, but myself, my inner happiness, will never be okay. People tell me I should worry about my relationship with my mother, but one day I will no longer have her. And I will be left with myself. A rotten, unstable relationship with myself. And that’s the one I should work on first.

The question I have been trying to figure out is “For who am I?” I can tell you who I am, I can tell you what I like and dislike, but who am I worthy of? Don’t tell me not to ask myself, because I already have, and it bothers me that it seems as if I am not worthy of anyone, and will never be good enough for anyone. I want to amount up to something. And I’m not sure if I ever will.

I guess I’m just trying to say, I need time to sort out my problems. And I will write about my problems, but I would like to ask that you keep my feelings in mind, and that you have an open mind when you read this.

With hope for the future, Kamla.