Breathe.

I hate how people say anxiety isn’t a big deal. You have no idea what I’m feeling when I have an anxiety attack. Trying to breathe in itself is a challenge.

If I tell you I’m anxious, know that I am trying my best to stay where ever it is that we’re at.

I’ve been trying to keep it together now for months, and all I can do is stare with a blank face and feel absolutely numb on the inside. When I do react, it’s usually a breakdown followed by tears.

Anxiety has not become a part of me, it’s become everything I know. I wake up every morning wondering how bad it’ll be today. And even on my off days, I’ll stay in my room locked up because I’m too paranoid to go outside.

There is no one there who can help. You’re in this alone. But the good news is, the best person to understand your situation, is you. I’ve found that though I can’t fully remove myself from the situation to calm down, I can always find a way to question myself, and take a step back to just breathe.

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I’ve been out.

I’ve been off my blog game for a while, in case you were blind, deaf and mute and couldn’t notice. But yes, I’ve been absent.

I feel like my life is some what falling apart. I’m a high stress person with a full time job, doing my exam year with maximum motivation before passing out and trying to keep up with a social life.

Let’s first start off with my job. Yes, I am a butterfly farmer. Yes, my job is high stress. No, I don’t spend my day fucking frolicking with the butterflies. My job includes walking in the sun all day, not getting to sit down, smiling all day, and best of all cleaning a large quantity of fecal matter. Better known as “frass” when it comes down to caterpillars. I’m not complaining about my job, its fun. Everyday you teach a complete stranger something new, something they had limited to no idea about. And even better, every day we get challenged with new questions and new information. My only problem is that recently this god damn island has been experiencing what I can only describe as “satans asshole” hot temperatures. Hotter than what we are used to. Hotter than most of us can handle. The breeze on the island has gone to shit. There is no breeze. Not inside the garden, not by the beach, nothing. No breeze. I can do heat if there’s breeze, but there’s heat and no breeze. So yes, at the end of my day I am worn out. I am damn tired. And most days I have to really fight myself from skipping school and going home and taking a shower and going to bed. I still go to school every day.

Which brings us to our next point; Exam year. My exam year has started off pretty well. I have dutch, english, spanish, history, geography and economics. 60% of my exams have gone fairly well. But that 40% is what bothers me. I think out of all my friends I’m legit the only one who is still motivated to do something. I have to get off this island. I just need to finish this year. I need to get out. School is hard. Evening school school at least. Its all shit you have to take care of yourself. You have to read the material at home. You have to make the questions at home. And you have to make up your questions at home. When you finally do get to school, you ask your questions, get your new assignments and you’re out. 1, 2, 3. Just like that.

So a long with work and school it’s a pretty busy schedule. But somehow I still have to manage to find time for a social life. My best friend is very patient with me. I’m usually very last minute with going out and even so I might still cancel because I would rather take a nap instead of going out. The funny thing is, we hang out and do things that are so chill that I feel like I’m well rested after we’re done. We recently hung out when we had our “friendiversary” (bare with me) and we just went to the beach, had drinks, pizza and talked. And it was so chill and low key but so honest and fun. We’ll also occasionally go out and actually party which is also fun because we arent heavy drinkers but we are a funny pair, so it’s just a good night. As for the rest of the people, I mean, my former best friend is a drug addict who has her life in a downward spiral so I decided to cut her off because I was just tired of paying everything for her and she was never even grateful for it. And everyone else, well they know where to find me, but if they don’t make an effort, I won’t. I’ve made an effort for so long, being there for everyone, making everyone else feel better, and I’m done. I’m tired of it. I need to take care of myself. And that’s the funny part.

Taking care of myself has not at all been going well. I’ve stopped eating for the most part. When I do eat, it’s such a small amount. Usually I’ll buy one meal a day and because I eat so little, it will last me all day. I have breakfast for lunch and dinner. I’ve lost a lot of weight just not eating. And people are starting to notice, which can’t be good because questions are rising and I don’t know how to explain “I don’t eat” and make it sound okay. Because it’s not okay, I know that, It’s not okay. But that’s all I got for right now.

My sleeping schedule has gone to shit, and you’re probably thinking “that’s every teenager and young adult”, however, thats not me. I used to make sure I sleep a solid 8 hours a night, and I would make sure that during the day I’ll take a 2 to 4 hour nap. But now I go to bed at 9 and I’ll lay there and cry. I’ll cry till 12 or sometimes even 1. And in the middle of the night I’ll wake up because I have nightmares and I’m having a panic attack and I can’t sleep and I’ll cry again. If i get 4 hours of sleep I’m lucky. During the day I can’t nap anymore, because I’m afraid of my nightmares. They’re so vivid. So I went to the doctor, and got prescribed a sleeping pill, however I’m terrified to take them because they’re heavily addictive. Most nights I just hope I sleep through the night, even if it’s for 5 hours. Other nights I hope to fall asleep fast after my panic attacks.

I’ve cracked. I broke. I crumbled. I sometimes hope I go to bed and never wake up. Ok, I very often hope that happens. And that’s also not okay, but I have nothing else. I just want to be honest, even if no one reads this. I am suicidal, I’ve been this way for a long time, But I have a sister I love more than words could ever explain, and I have a best friend I hope will someday fall in love with me even though it’s not likely to happen. But that’s all I have to fight for. I joke about killing myself because I don’t know how else to cope. If I don’t I feel like I’ll explode. My best friend is very good at listening, and though he doesn’t agree or encourage me to hurt myself, he’s there for me. And he tries to get me to tell my sister, or my mother or even my doctor, but I’m still a Muller and we’re known for being hard headed people.

I don’t know if it gets better, I really don’t. And if it doesn’t, that’s okay, even if it’s technically not. But I’m just hoping it doesn’t get worst. Because I can’t handle any more stress, bad news, disappointment or broken hearts.

 

So I’m gonna go ahead and call it a night.

-Kamla.

Over jealous, over zealous.

Guys, when it comes to friendship, I feel like I can only be your friend if I’m your only friend. I get super zealous when it comes to friendship and I’ll get attached and clingy and try to basically hand feed you all of my love while having you strapped down to a chair. With that being said, I want to be the only person who does that to you, thus leading to me being extremely jealous when you talk about your other friends, or even worse, hang out with them.

I mean I do realize something is wrong with me for feeling that way and of course I’d never actually tell you to stop talking about them or hanging out with them, but just know when you do, I picture myself shooting you with an AK-47. I’m a little bit creepy, I know.

I just find it so strange as to why you need other people in your life when you have me, the person that will never grow tired of giving you unconditional, undivided attention.

As for when it comes to family, I feel nothing like that at all. If you tell me you’re going to spend the day out with your cousin and end up texting me mid-day while you’re still with your cousin, I will lose my shit. I’m part of a pretty tight knit family, and we spend an unhealthy amount of time up eachothers asses. At least I do. So if I’m busy with my family, I am only busy with my family.

I guess I know that eventually friends leave, but I won’t. I’m like that annoying bird outside your window at 6.05 AM that just won’t shut the fuck up. Constantly chirping “Good morning”, “How was your day?”, “Are you at work?”, “Can we hang?” and best of all “Don’t leave me”.

And I technically have no right to do this, because I have a few friends myself, whom all receive this treatment, but have no right to tell me to eliminate other friends.

Now, with all of that said and done, I bid you folks adieu.

Xx, Kamla.

I made it. But do I deserve it?

So I officially passed my year, I’m now in 11th grade.

Guys, it took me 4 years. 4 FUCKING YEARSSSSS!

I think in a way I feel accomplished that I finally made it to senior year, but at the same time I can’t stop reminding myself it took me 4 years. It’s like it doesn’t count cause I was in 10th grade for so long and at some point you’re obligated to either drop out or pass your year, you know what I mean?

I guess in a way I hoped it would feel special, but it doesn’t and it sort of feels like I don’t have a right to feel special because I’ve fucked up for so long.

I mean I’m going out tomorrow night in celebration and I’m doing dinner before that, but am I celebrating that I passed or am I celebrating everyone else who graduated?

Isn’t it so fucked up that you yourself can fuck yourself up so much that you don’t feel you deserve something that took a lot of work and is actually a really big accomplishment? I mean in a way 2 years were wasted on me doing absolutely nothing, and the last two were mandatory because at night school you have to do 10th grade in 2 years instead of just 1.

Does that mean I don’t get to celebrate when I graduate because I should have graduated like 4 years ago?

My life is a joke, Kamla.

Finals

Well, I have about an hour and forty five minutes before my last exam week starts. I’d be very open to being murdered right now. Tho I have studied, I’m still nervous. You either make it or break it with these last exams. And I can’t say anything because I’m afraid I might jinx it. Tonight is geography, jesus lord take me.
Hurricanes and doldrums and convection. What the fuck. I know the material but I’m pretty sure I’m over studying. Fuck me, dude. Wish me luck

Nervous wreck, Kamla.

Where have I been?

Where have I been you ask? All I do is study, work and sleep.

Honestly, I think it’s pathetic to go out instead of staying home and study.

I guess my priorities are different. And I choose to believe they are the best thing for me right now.

I don’t think that “saturday turn up” will help me create the career I would actually want, so I should really just put shit on hold and work on this diploma.

This also caused a little bit of an issue between me and my friends. They want to go out and party, and I’m just not up for that.

I’m tired of being judged for choosing my education over a social life though. I just want to do my thing, finish my school, and be out. I don’t want to hear your opinion on how much of a grandma I am, or how lame I am, and I especially don’t want to hear your opinion on “everyone needs a break”. I’ll decide for myself when the break is needed and how long it will be and what I will do during this break, but for now I’m going to push it, and if I have to I’ll push you out of my way.

Unfortunately this also means I’ve put Managing Pessimism on the back burner until I’m out for summer vacation. This blog is very time consuming and I just can’t afford to spend time blogging when I should be studying.

My apologies, but not really, Kamla.

Shit dude

Isn’t it fucked up how I walk around trembling everyday because I feel so much anxiety? Most days I just hold my breath and hope I make it to the end of the day, and when the end of the day arrives, I’m so overwhelmed with everything I just bawl my eyes out for hours in bed.

I hate how much I rely on certain people just because I can’t do anything myself anymore. I hate even more how people don’t take anxiety seriously. My anxiety can last 4 minutes up to a whole week. That means that for a whole week I struggle so much emotionally and physically.

I feel like I need to keep people away because they can’t seem to understand whats going on, and I’m down to 3 people in my life and not a single one is related to me because they don’t understand either. What’s worse is that one of those three cause a lot of my anxiety, but if not around, it’s only worse.

I guess it’s true what they say; “You can run but you can’t hide.”