Trying but never succeeding.

I spend days crying trying to figure out why I would ever let someone in who I know could hurt me. Meanwhile other days im giddy about the fact that I will see him tonight.

I mean absolutely nothing to this person but I hope that one day I would mean something.
They say hope breeds disappointment and I am over filled on hope when it comes to this relationship, though not a romantic one.

I sometimes think people should accept that when someone tells you “he’s not good enough for you” you should remember that someone could be telling him the same thing.
And as much as we would like to believe there is someone out there who is going to be better for us, there is also someone out there who is better than us.

Honesty is the worst policy

If I’m honest with you guys, I’ve grown more depressed these past few months than I have ever been. And that’s not okay. I hate the person I am, not the person I’ve become, I’m still the same old me, except for I’m not worth anyone’s time.

My siblings are off doing school and work stuff.
My friends are out partying.
And I’m here with social anxiety crying in my room like the little bitch kid I am.

My studies have gone backwards, my grades have dropped.
I can barely keep myself from sinking and failing.

I guess I’ve reached the point that I have completely given up on everything and I hate everyone and everything.

Well shit, I guess the secret is out.

Not a lot of love, kamla.

Working g’all

I happen to be a tour guide at a farm, more specifically a butterfly farm on my island. My job is unconventional but it’s gr8. (I love doing that “gr8” thing) My job is also really tough. I work 8 hours and out of those 8 hours I’m standing for at least 6 hours. I don’t just give tours though. Our official title is “tour guide“, but our job description includes; tours, gardening, sales, and a whole lot more.

I have about 14 co-workers but I’m closest with Marco. I think Marco and I struggle with a lot of things, but none of the same problems.We lead very different lives, even his life at 20 was very different from mine, he’s older now, I’m not sure how old though. He’s married with kids, and I’m married to my education.  As for my other co-workers, I appreciate their presence and teamwork (most of the times).

On a regular day I show up at 8 AM, I rake the garden, I rake up front, I’ll do between 4 to 6 tours, I’ll feed the caterpillars I was assigned to, do some chores and then I’ll be on my way at 4 PM.

I think the funniest moment at work was when I got my shoe caught up on a door and it ripped my shoe open, and I tripped, falling flat on my face on the ground.

I think a bad day at work was when I had two friends hurting because of a passing of a loved one, and I couldn’t do anything to help them, and for a few days I was already crying about it, and I tried to keep it together at work, but eventually got sent home for not being happy enough.

My job has a few specific requirements. First of all, languages are very important. If you’re not multilingual, FORGET ABOUT IT. You also have to be very happy and cheerful, all of which I’m not, if you guys couldn’t tell already. But a tour is a performance, and I’m only acting. I’m acting as if my life is wonderful, and I don’t have any problems, and that I’m oh-so excited to tell them about the butterflies. Don’t get me wrong, they are fascinating animals with amazing quirks, but I’m just not excited to explain the same process to the same person about 4 times. My job also requires us to be very physically active. Which I am also not. I hate working out. But I hate office jobs even more, so I tend to help out with heavy lifting jobs that the other girls, and some guys, can’t do.

I think my attitude is a little more out there than the rest of my co-workers. I tend to answer back, and be a little more bossy than I probably am allowed to be. But I like getting shit done, it’s always been my way, and there is no highway option.

Keepin’ it onehunnet, Kamla.

Walls

I’ve built walls to keep people out, and I’ve had them up for a very long time. And then someone special came into my life and I let them down and I let this person in, and I became vulnerable and I fell to crumbs in his hands. And he didn’t drop me, I was just jolted with a dose of reality. And now I’m left in my mess, to deal with myself.

Someone special turned out to be someone who woke me up. Woke me up from the morphine overdose I put myself in. And now I have to deal with all of these feelings and emotions and it’s pulling me under. I hate how I’m sitting here, telling him everything is fine and I actually hate myself for all of this. I just wish I could be a better person, a stronger person.

I have a friend, Naomi, and she doesn’t take shit from anyone, if you just think of hurting her she cuts you off before you even get a chance, and I keep getting hurt and I keep crawling back and I hate myself for it.

They say darkness exist to make light truly count. But I feel like everything is a dark hole and I will never see light. This is why I never feel worthy of anyone, this person is not at all bothered, that should be a sign for me to get out, but this person has burrowed himself in the deep crevices of my heart and I can’t get him out.

I am swallowed by my own tears, mostly because I’m so disappointed with myself. I let my walls down, and not only did I let someone in, but I let myself out. And trust me, I don’t mean to make this person seem like a bad guy, he’s been good, he’s always been good, I’m just not deserving of good.

Fighting for my life, Kamla.

Deep dark hole

I think my relationship with my mother has deteriorated to almost nothing. And to be honest I’m not as bothered by it as I was before. I think the problem is that my mother and I are very stubborn people, therefore we clash a lot. What bothered me more though is that my siblings couldn’t seem to understand what was wrong. I could go 3 weeks without saying a thing to my mother and it would never even trigger a feeling of sadness in me. But a day without a message from my sister would kill me.

My mother is the spiritual type who always refers to the universe as creator of all solutions but blames everyone else for their own problems. I however, am someone that feels that everything you do has a consequence and it’s actually up to you to fix it. I refuse to set an intention hoping that one day the universe will magically give me the numbers to the winning lottery ticket. My mother is also the type of person that eventho she cares a lot, will never really take you into consideration if it’s not to her full benefit. And because of my busy work/school schedule, this means we do very little together.

I think my mother doesn’t mind spending time with me but she also doesn’t mind not spending time with me. For me, spending time with my mother is something I dread. It’s going to result in an evening of doing what she wants, so probably drinking wine at a place for older people that plays latin music, while she smokes a pack of cigarettes and gets offended with everything I say. Even though all I was trying to tell her was about my week. But of course, everything that went wrong during my week is my own fault and I should ask the universe for some guidance. Not spending time with my mother gives me a feeling of relaxation, I’m suddenly not walking on eggshells and I can do whatever it is I need to do.

I think something that has also contributed to this feeling of emptiness is the depression I’ve fallen so seamlessly back into. I’m in a dark place right now, and very demotivated with everything I do. I’m still doing my best, not because I want to, not because I want to make people proud, but because I know no other way of functioning, though I barely am. I lock myself up in my room, into my safe place and stow away all of these overbearing emotions that I can no longer control.

I wish I could have been more okay, and I try to tell myself that not everyone is okay all the time. But I’m feeling as if I will never be okay. As if this relationship with not only my mother, but myself, my inner happiness, will never be okay. People tell me I should worry about my relationship with my mother, but one day I will no longer have her. And I will be left with myself. A rotten, unstable relationship with myself. And that’s the one I should work on first.

The question I have been trying to figure out is “For who am I?” I can tell you who I am, I can tell you what I like and dislike, but who am I worthy of? Don’t tell me not to ask myself, because I already have, and it bothers me that it seems as if I am not worthy of anyone, and will never be good enough for anyone. I want to amount up to something. And I’m not sure if I ever will.

I guess I’m just trying to say, I need time to sort out my problems. And I will write about my problems, but I would like to ask that you keep my feelings in mind, and that you have an open mind when you read this.

With hope for the future, Kamla.

I’m broken

I haven’t been able to write these past few days because I’ve been feeling like I’m dysfunctioning. A lot of things have happened since I last wrote. Long story short, I’ve become an emotional mess scattered all over the floor. It has been really difficult to keep up with my own emotions. I am as dysfunctional as a square peg in a round hole. I’ve been suffering with a lot of anxiety, and dealing with a lot of questions about my father’s death. I keep asking myself when things will get better.. When will I get better? I’ve been trying to write this blog post for a week. I can’t ever get out more than two sentences down before I started crying. I wish I could pinpoint my problem. But I can’t. All I could do was hold my head as I fell apart right there and then every time and try to cover the overwhelming shame that has consumed every part of me. I feel that sometimes life will knock you down and will then let you stand tall and proud knowing you’ve learned your lesson. But with me it was like I was knocked down and then sat on, never to be let up again.

In a previous blog, I called my sister an idiot for being a push-over, for taking care of everyone but herself, and then later admitted my appreciation towards her for doing so. I still find it an idiotic move, until someone pointed out I’m doing the exact same thing. I was making sure everyone around me was okay, meanwhile my own problems were chipping away at my foundation. And one day, while nobody saw it coming, I collapsed. And laying there I realised; I am broken.

I hate feeling this way, I can’t help anyone like this. But I also know it’s okay. Sometimes it’s necessary to be broken. You will rise one day, and you will come back stronger than ever. But to rise, I have to start building again. So this is my time to collect my pieces, and see where they all fit in my life. I’ll toss unnecessary memories and negative thoughts, and keep what is good and what will make me a better person for a greater tomorrow.

If you ever felt destroyed. Like your whole world has been obliterated. If you feel that no one knows what’s going on. Know I am here. And I will always be here.

Undying love, Kamla.

Key to success

Recently I’ve been getting a lot of comments about my schools and how I manage studying while working and going to school late at night. My whole theory is that if you don’t want to do it, you probably won’t achieve it. I’m at a point in my life where I am desperately trying to get off this island and get away from all these bad memories. Though I will never deny this island has a lot of good memories as well. But my bad out weigh my good. I no longer refer to myself as motivated but as desperate. And desperation gets you far in this world. Desperation helps you survive.

My education is one thing I took for granted far too long and it’s time I get my act together and make my family proud. I believe that showing full capability and intelligence is the best thing you could do for yourself. If people wanted to achieve good grades they would make time to study, as I do. I sometimes wear myself out because I study in the early morning around 5AM, on my commute to work, before my shift starts, during lunch, on my commute to school and then when I get home from school as well. It may seem a lot, but It’s probably around 3 hours total. They are very short study periods because I don’t exactly have the time to study all day for hours on ends, but every little bit helps.

I feel there’s a little bit of pressure being best of my class last year for all of my subjects except spanish. I definitely have to be on top of my game, and keeping up with my classes has only been harder this year, as the quantity of exam material has doubled. But once more, that’s an excuse. I know I have the intelligence to pass my classes without any problems so I know I’ll do fine. Actually I’ll do much better than fine, I’ll do a spectacular job.

If people put in as much effort into studying as they do in procrastination, we would have a lot more Master’s degrees in this world. I recently realized there’s a frenzy about studying at the public library, I know because I followed that frenzy. You don’t study, you look at people and over abuse free wifi. But as soon as you invite someone to your house to study all of the sudden they can’t because they aren’t allowed to leave the house. It’s because of this that people are stuck in the same place for so long. When opportunities present themselves they pass them right by. Meanwhile it might be a life changing thing.

Some things have to be set aside when you are trying to reach a goal. And sometimes that means putting the things you love, like your phone, as a backup plan and putting the things you dislike, for example studying, as your first plan. I promise you, one day you will be at the top of your game and you will be so happy with the decisions you made. But this can only be achieved when you are making the right decisions for your future self, not your past self or present self.

Hoping you have a good time, Kamla.