So here’s another post where I’ll start off with “I know it’s been a while.” but you guys already know that drill.
Instead, let’s do the “I did my final exams and graduated” post.
For the past few months I’ve been destroying myself over the course of taking my final exams. And I don’t mean “destroy” in a mental way, I was literally scratching my skin open while dealing with all of my anxiety.
I don’t think I have ever been that stressed. Those three weeks of exams were worst than the past three years combined. But there was light at the end of the tunnel. The very long, dark, echoey tunnel. I graduated!
Me and my sister stayed up one night to check the grading system, and I was so confident that I graduated, and we celebrated and I was over the moon. Until the next evening. there were rumors going around that graduates were being called by the school.. but I didn’t get a call.. So I called myself. The person who answered just asked for my name and then went
“I’m sorry, you didn’t make it, pass by tomorrow.”
I died. I felt everything inside me break. And I was so shocked that I couldn’t even figure out if I should cry, or how to even cry.
I went to school the next day to look at the grades and I failed because of history, and it hit me, I didn’t bother to study for history because “I’m already good at it and I should focus on economics.” But BOOOOOY WAS I PISSED.
I knew it was my own fault, and thats when the tears came, followed by anger, followed by numbness.
I went into the office, signed up for a retake, came home and started studying. I had 3 and a half days to memorize 2 books.
Tuesday came and I went in for my retake and I looked around and realized, everything is going to be fine. I’m okay. But then my pessimistic side kicked in and went “who you lyin’ to?” I left my retake after 3 hours and went home and cried some more until I fell asleep.
I now had to wait 10 days for the results. It started out fine, the first day I was calm, then came the second day, I had nightmares of the head of the school just walking into my room and going “I’m sorry Kamla, you didn’t make it.” By the third day I was a hot mess, I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t do anything except pick at my skin and repeat my own exam answers back to myself. Day four was my major break down. I called my history teacher (rejected) then I texted him (no answer) and then I had a full blown melt down and cried.
My sister told me to distract myself but that’s easier said than done.
Anyways, it was friday, June 30th, the day of the results, and they said they would call before 10 if you made it.
It was 9.55 and no call. I accepted that I didn’t make it. I failed my senior year. My boss had asked me to write something on a door for him. So I put my phone down, and walked away. Came back and noticed I missed my call at 9.56. I started calling back but no answer. And cue the melt down. But eventually someone answered, and I graduated.
And all I could say was “Finally”
After so many years of comparing myself to my siblings, being so “old” and not having a high school diploma, I finally graduated.
I could finally breathe.
I could finally break free from the pressure I put on myself.
I could finally get away from this island that holds so many horrible experiences for me.
I could finally be with my sister.
And that’s all I ever wanted.
So, this marks a new beginning, new opportunities and new blog posts.
Much love and pride, Kamla.
Managing Pessimism 