I haven’t been able to write these past few days because I’ve been feeling like I’m dysfunctioning. A lot of things have happened since I last wrote. Long story short, I’ve become an emotional mess scattered all over the floor. It has been really difficult to keep up with my own emotions. I am as dysfunctional as a square peg in a round hole. I’ve been suffering with a lot of anxiety, and dealing with a lot of questions about my father’s death. I keep asking myself when things will get better.. When will I get better? I’ve been trying to write this blog post for a week. I can’t ever get out more than two sentences down before I started crying. I wish I could pinpoint my problem. But I can’t. All I could do was hold my head as I fell apart right there and then every time and try to cover the overwhelming shame that has consumed every part of me. I feel that sometimes life will knock you down and will then let you stand tall and proud knowing you’ve learned your lesson. But with me it was like I was knocked down and then sat on, never to be let up again.
In a previous blog, I called my sister an idiot for being a push-over, for taking care of everyone but herself, and then later admitted my appreciation towards her for doing so. I still find it an idiotic move, until someone pointed out I’m doing the exact same thing. I was making sure everyone around me was okay, meanwhile my own problems were chipping away at my foundation. And one day, while nobody saw it coming, I collapsed. And laying there I realised; I am broken.
I hate feeling this way, I can’t help anyone like this. But I also know it’s okay. Sometimes it’s necessary to be broken. You will rise one day, and you will come back stronger than ever. But to rise, I have to start building again. So this is my time to collect my pieces, and see where they all fit in my life. I’ll toss unnecessary memories and negative thoughts, and keep what is good and what will make me a better person for a greater tomorrow.
If you ever felt destroyed. Like your whole world has been obliterated. If you feel that no one knows what’s going on. Know I am here. And I will always be here.
Undying love, Kamla.