Anxiety sucks

As I’ve mentioned before, 3 types of bad news will destroy me. It does make a difference whether it’s 3 minimal bad news or 3 extensive and impactful bad news. This week it was 1 impactful bad news, 1 minimal and 1 big change. I can’t talk about the big bad bear but the baby cub is okay. problem number two was with my sister. I turned a little belligerent arguing about problem number one. The last time that happened was when my sister lost her virginity, but we’re not gonna go into that. Me and my sister don’t fight, it’s just not programmed in us. But we fought, and it was bad. I ended up crying and being a bigger bitch than I already am.

Aside from that there has been one big change in my life, people want to be my friend, and it gives me anxiety. I hate physical contact and eye contact. Physical contact has been a problem ever since I was molested. It’s just bothered me, even more so because I have no idea who this person is and I will never know if he’s the person walking towards me or the person who hands me a flyer. Not knowing this person gives him some sort of power over me I can never escape from. I wish I could say more about this experience but it all went by so quickly and I couldn’t even react. I just stood there being felt up and forcibly feeling him. Never screamed, never pulled away, I just stood there with tears streaming down my face and my head lowered in shame.

My problem with eye contact is that people see you at your most vulnerable. It makes me tense up and stop breathing and it’s just a shitty combination of feelings. I feel that looking into someone’s eyes, you’re handing yourself over completely them, to do as they please, whether it benefits you or not. So I just don’t do it. All though recently I have been in situations where I’m forced to make eye contact with people whom I find intimidating. This causes immediate anxiety attacks and a full bathroom melt down.

Lately I have noticed that my anxiety has escalated more than twice in the last few weeks than what it’s been for the past year. It just causes that I can no longer breath, focus or even stand on my own. Having anxiety has always been something I’ve dealt with and refuse to take medication for. I have been to therapy and was diagnosed with a few things, anxiety being a side effect of a life long personality disorder I will have to battle. During those 7 years I had about 2 psychologist, 3 social workers and multiple cognitive neuroscientists do research on me and try to pinpoint the problem. Much like a very well known “Christian Grey” who refers to himself as “fifty shades of fucked up” I believe the same for myself. I am was the type of person that will beat themselves into the ground until I can no longer breath and I suffocate. I’m at a point where I am trying my very best to change and acknowledge the great things I have achieved and the greater things yet to come.

Keeping it together everyday, Kamla.

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