Boys, BIG QUESTION MARK

Boys are the one thing I seem to be REALLY bad at. I am not at all shy talking to people who I am not emotionally attracted to, but if I am, I can’t form words, or look at them. It’s really sad because I know these guys, we were friends at one point in life, we are still acquaintances but I can’t interact with them. I feel like people know me as the social person but boys are a completely different story. I do have a type, I’m more into white guys, but hey let’s not be racist, I won’t shut you down because you’re not white. Appearances aren’t that important to me anyways (You can probably tell by the way I dress.) I tend to date guys who are funny, sarcastic and somewhat quiet. If you’re not an intellectual or you don’t have life goals, lose my number. I’m an at home date kind of girl, or good food, good ambiance kinda girl. But to actually get a date, we’ve gotta discuss my problem areas.

Eye contact.

What exactly are you looking at when you’re staring at me? Most of the time I’m looking at my tan line from my watch. And when I look at them I see perfection with soft eyes and a charming smile and I imagine all they can see is my unevenly curled eyelashes. Eye contact is the most intimidating vulnerable thing you can do. You are giving yourself fully over to that person.

Conversations.

What do I say? Okay in person, all I do is smile and look around because I don’t know what to say. And online, it’s such a complicated thing. They say something about computers or gaming or music and then I’m like “Okay Kamla, you are interested, what makes you seem interested? OH ask him a question! But wait, it’s already so clear, he just explained everything.. What should I ask now?” actual reply: “So what’s your favorite ice cream?” It seems as if I just ignored everything they just told me. And starting a conversation is hard. what does one even say? “Hey I’m Kamla and I’m socially awkward, how are you?” And how do you even manage to sound flirty or cute over text?

Snapchat.

This is one thing I have completely given up on. I refuse to make myself beautiful for a picture you will see for only 10 seconds. AND I HAVE YET TO THINK OF A CLEVER LINE TO WRITE DOWN. Oh my god and then it comes down to the stupid “send me a video” request. What am I supposed to even do? “Cooking fake food for a snap vid” I don’t understand.

The hang-out request.

“what are you doing tonight?” “nothing, you?” “nothing”

WHAT IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN? CAN SOMEONE CLARIFY THIS? AM I SUPPOSED TO ASK YOU TO HANG OUT? I ASSUMED YOU’RE ASKING ME BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO ASK ME TO HANG OUT BUT YOU NEVER DOAnd then one day I build up the courage and I’m like “Do you wanna go get some food?” and all of the sudden “I can’t tonight” .. I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS, GUYS. REALLY. I was just told by the same person, being you, that you do not have any prior engagements for tonight. Let me clarify that the only reason I asked you to go get nutrients is because you previously, a few seconds before I asked you, asked me what I was doing tonight. And the worst part is, that you texted me first.

The date invitation.

“I really like you. We should go out sometime” “Yeah, sure” Did you really just postpone a date you never asked me out on? OR EVEN BETTER THE SNEAK DATE! It happens when a guy asks you to hang out but never says it’s a date, and then when you’re ready to pay for something they throw it out there “Why are you paying on our date? I’ll pay for you” Uhm what? or at the end of the night and they say “I had a good time on our date” but then you’re a bitch if you say it wasn’t a date, but if you don’t he might ask you out again.. I pretty recently got the “I’ve been around for a few months, but couldn’t build up the courage to ask you out, do you want to before I leave?” I took it into consideration, I won’t lie, I was like “When are you leaving?” expecting him to answer in a month or something, instead he says “in five days” Uhm no just pick up and leave.

The actual date

HAAAAAA-no. I don’t date because if I’m aware it’s a date I won’t look at you at all, touch you or even talk to you. I’ll sit there and giggle the whole time even if you didn’t say anything to me. I once went on a date where he had to grab my face and kiss it so I could realize I’m on a date. Even then I reacted surprised that he had actually asked me out. Not forgetting to mention that I get so nervous that I actually fall or trip pretty often. On that same date I tripped over NOTHING on the beach and face planted. He still kissed me so winner winner chicken dinner.

Long distance.. Is BULLSHIT.

I’ve tried it. I can’t. Nothing has been more difficult than long distance. You crave that person, being there with them, talking face to face. It’s nothing like you don’t feel committed, or at least for me it wasn’t that. I felt very committed, so committed that I constantly missed that person. It’s actually really funny because I had never met that person before, I would imagine it’s much harder with someone you’ve actually spent a lot of time with. But having an emotional connection with someone, sharing things in common, having the same goals in life, and somehow you slowly develop feelings for that person. And at one point we were just together. After a while it does become very hard, especially with the time difference we had of over 6+ hours. No, it wasn’t that. It was me fucking up my education, taking longer to finish. That’s what made things harder. He was waiting for me. And I stayed back a year, and then another year, and here I am now doing that same grade for the 4th time. Because we fit so well together, being just friends was a lot harder, so we hardly talk anymore. But the day I make it to the Netherlands I will for sure hit him up. And for the people who are doing long distance, please tell me your address because I have to send you an award.

So after all of that, we’ve figured out I can’t communicate with boys, reply properly, behave on dates, or maintain a long distance relationship.

I would say I’m a pretty good girlfriend if we ever make it that far, I actually cook and give you space, and you don’t have to worry about me cheating because I’ll never leave my house unless I’m coming over to yours. I don’t really need presents, just food.

Forever dateless, Kamla.

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