I feel I have a lot of excuses not to do a lot of things. And yet I still do them because I know they are there for the better of me.
I was raised in a good neighborhood with great parents who had a good income. I wasn’t poor, I didn’t grow up in “the hood” and I went to a great primary school that was in the top 5 schools. I attended the best junior high on the island and the second best high school. All this is to prove I had what some would call an “easy” childhood. This also means that bad news is very odd to me.
I’ve had a lot of bad things happen through out my life that made me question everything. For example, my dad dying, that took a toll on my life.
However, I feel this year has been tougher than all my other years. Let me give you a quick recap of the past 3 years; 10th grade. That’s it. I’ve been in 10th grade for 3 years.
Lat year I decided to really turn my life around and be my absolute best at school. I thought this would make my school life a little easier.
Boy was I wrong.
It ended up to me being shut out for
- being smart
- not having kids
- not drinking
- not doing drugs
You could imagine my surprise. I was bullied so bad this year because I apparently thought I was better than all of my classmates. In all reality I really do admire them for trying to get an education, because with all my problems/excuses I still have a world of support from my mother and siblings. Some of my classmates have multiple kids and no parental support and still make it to school most nights. Of course whenever I told them that they thought I was mocking them. So whenever I got highest grade, which was pretty often I was mocked by all of my classmates. And when I didn’t, it was like the last supper, a feast of happiness. A festival of discouragement. They could finally feel better than me. What made it worse was having to reject other students for tutoring classes. I worked, I had a full time job, I did not want to spend my free weekend studying and helping other people. I wanted to do minimal work on weekends.
Eventually I got tired of being belittled for
being smart working my ass off. So I fought back with snarky remarks about my classmates skipping school to go drink and “roll a blunt” and what a great role model they were being for their kids. I was quickly shut down for being a “nun”.
Aside from all of that, which I handled fairly well emotionally, the hardest part was dealing with myself. My mother is very intelligent and has a masters degree. My sister is attending University and is about to graduate this October. My brother has graduated, and is very successful in his career. Trying to live up to all of these great titles, it was tough. I felt that I’ve been disappointing everyone. I still feel I am. And that’s when I fell apart.
“Let no feeling of discouragement prey upon you, and in the end you are sure to succeed.”
I have a friend, Kamilla, she’s a year younger than me, she was knocked down just as often, she graduated and was accepted to Coastal Carolina University. I’m very proud of her. She deserves it all. But then I look at myself and my situation. And I wonder “Have I become one of these “knock you down” people my classmates are?” Only to be knocking myself down. Kamilla has given me some very beautiful advice; “It’s not you, It’s the system of our old school. You are smart. You can do this. I believe in you.” When you hear this from someone you know who has experience the same thing you have, it impacts you. My sister has told me she is proud of me because after all that I’ve been through I haven’t given up. The thing is, as much of a disappointment I feel I am right now, I wouldn’t be able to face my family after dropping out. I hope I am strong enough to continue down this path of attending school. It is said “there is no tool as strong as your education” and I am a firm believer of that.
I have to learn to accept that everyone has a different pace and I know that at this moment mine is a little slow but it is what is working for me. I might be a couple of years late but I’m trying. And I am tired of hearing people say “But you’re already nineteen” yes I am very aware of that. I have been the one in this body for nineteen years. I am tired of hearing people say “But my kid was in your class and they’re almost done studying” Congratulations I hope your child is more open minded than you are. I am tired of being told I am taking too long. I can deal with my classmates and I can handle myself, but I don’t need anyone else judging me for doing what is right.
I think what hurt the most after this whole year was that I’ve worked so hard to get great grades and to be the best of my year. And I still felt as if I wasn’t allowed to celebrate because this was my third year around.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I feel I’m being bullied for doing my best. For proving that I had it in me all this time. And because I didn’t do it according to someone else’s schedule I can’t celebrate my accomplishments and achievements.
This has been a very vulnerable post for me and I hope you guys can try to understand from where I’m coming from.
With all my cards on the table and my heart, Kamla.